Well its been over three long weeks since my last post. I have been grappling with what to write about. I swing on a pendulum between over sharing and not sharing enough.
However, I have to be true to myself and what I promised myself when I started to write this blog. I wanted to share the good, bad and ugly.
I am an open book and what you see is what you get. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can’t lie to save myself; and believe me I have tried and it always ends in disaster. Except if we are talking about story telling here where my theory is ‘never let the truth get in the way of a good story’… I have been known on occasion to embellish the truth, only when I get excited…
Only three months ago I declared that my aim in life was to go with the flow and enjoy life… ‘Que Cera, Cera, whatever will be, will be’.
It’s easy to adopt those feelings when you are far away from reality and living life on a tropical island. Back at home, this presents many more challenges and the cracks didn’t take long to appear.
Here I find myself again and all I want is a baby, more than anything in this whole entire world. It occupies almost every one of my waking moments and is the defining feature of my colourful dreams. Suddenly I have returned to constant googling of pregnancy symptoms, peeing on purple sticks and pink sticks, playing out the names of my future children, the games we will play, the songs we will sing… only to be shattered again when my monthly foe arrives and I realise its another month wasted. I feel like time is slipping away and I am still no closer to being a mum.
We made the decision early one morning; I had indulged in a couple of wines the night before catching up with old girlfriends. I came home, took myself off to the bedroom where I sobbed for hours while playing Coldplay Fix You on repeat… over and over and over again. Wailing along to the melancholy lyrics while poor old MOB sat helplessly in the lounge room of our teeny tiny apartment. A sobering reminder of why I don’t like to drink any more.
It’s time! I can’t look back with regrets, and there is no doubt in my mind that I was put on this Earth to be a mum. This a dream that refuses to die no matter how much yoga, meditation, gratitude and acceptance I practice. My inner voice still whispers to me that I can’t have a life wondering ‘what if’.
So IVF, I’m coming for you!
Unlike last year, I have a bagful of tricks up my sleeve… I know what to expect, how to deal with stress, the importance of self love and acceptance, and most of all how to deal with failure if that’s the outcome. I am strong and resilient. This life can’t break me, no matter how many challenges it serves me. 2014 proved that to me.
I have also learned to put my fears to the side, they have no place in my mind. I used to view IVF as a failure, a big scary exercise that I wasn’t strong enough for. I am realising that it isn’t a reflection on my lifestyle, or a punishment for something I am doing or not doing. It’s not because MOB and I don’t drink enough green smoothies and eat enough organic food, we tried that and it didn’t change a thing. It’s just because sometimes bad shit happens to good people.
I know now that this has been a blessing in disguise, not falling pregnant yet. I have learned so many lessons and had amazing experiences that I wouldn’t have had otherwise, and they have only served to make me a more patient, understanding and loving person.
Perhaps I still have lessons to learn, or maybe it’s finally my time to shine. Only time will tell.
To quote my diary – 2015 is my year. This first half has been abundant with wonderful moments, it has delivered me plenty of surprises and changed my perception of the world and how I live my life. I believe it has plenty more to offer and that’s why I am getting back on the horse and giving it another go.
I’ve got this… We have got this.
Onward bound xo