Yesterday I hit an emotional wall. I had been feeling unwell and a little bit homesick.
I have no idea where it came from but it hit me like a freight train.
Suddenly I was convinced that I couldn’t move away from home, the idea was insanity! What had I been thinking?
I read a heartbreaking article about Rachel Brathen (Yoga Girl) and the death of her dog, who was her baby. I have a dog that I adore. He has been my best friend and seen me through so many highs and lows over the past 10 years. He is my partner in crime. When life served me challenges that almost broke me he was the one that laid there spooning me while I sobbed into his coat. He has been the one who makes me smile and laugh with his big brown eyes that are filled with so many words and so much love. He is the one that follows me to every end of the house even with his old rickety hips just because he can’t bear to be anywhere but right by my side at all times. How could I even think of leaving him?! What kind of mother am I?! …
What kind of mother will I be…
Ok, if I am being totally honest I know exactly where it came from. I had just got my period after it was suspiciously overdue.
I had allowed myself to start to get excited. Its funny how the mind plays you. Here I was fresh from my yoga teacher training, excited and ready to start moving on and in a different direction. I hadn’t abandoned my dreams of having a baby, but I was ready to focus my thoughts and attention on new dreams and desires. I had accepted that it was time to put that on the back burner for a while.
Then nothing, no period. FOR A FEW DAYS. I am never late.
The fantasy started to play out perfectly in my mind.
Well of course, this is exactly how it happens. I quit my job, pursued my yoga dream, spent the past couple of months playing in the ocean and sun, then I reunited with my husband after weeks apart, drinking cocktails, watching sunsets, planning our new life overseas and making some sweet sweet love. This is when you do fall pregnant and now I was. All I needed to do was RELAX, just like everyone said. What a cliche! What a beautiful cliche.
I was going to return to Australia; tanned, happy, relaxed and pregnant.
One of my closest friends is 4 months pregnant so we would be pregnant together. It was perfect. Would I tell her by text? No I would probably take her out for a cuppa. To a coffee shop because we wouldn’t be drinking wine, order tea because we wouldn’t be drinking coffee.
I am the first to admit that I let my imagination get ridiculously out of control. I also realise I probably sound completely insane. After 2 1/2 years I should know better than that.
Some things are too good to be true and unfortunately that was one of them.
It really hurts sometimes. I feel like having a baby will never, ever happen for me. At times I break into a thousand little pieces and I am unsure if I remember how to pick myself up or how to feel happy again.
I remind myself that this is why I don’t let myself believe it could happen, because it hurts too much when it doesn’t. I feel hopeless. I feel stupid. I feel like my body doesn’t work properly, and I can’t do the one thing that comes naturally to being a woman.
Then I have a big cry, get a good night’s sleep and when I wake up and realise I actually haven’t lost anything. Life is still beautiful and there are so many things to feel gratitude for, and I will be ok.
The time will happen when its right.
Onward Bound xo