Never Give Up, but Always Let Go

For the past few weeks I have seriously been thinking that its time to move away from home and live abroad for 6 months or more. I feel so overwhelmed all the time by things I have to do, places I have to be, people I need to see at home. It is all self inflicted and stems from me constantly overcommitting to things and subsequently stressing out when I have too many plans in my diary. As I grow older and wiser I am realising that I need time alone and occasional isolation to recharge my batteries. I need to honour my need for downtime.

This trip was a challenge for me to just be, not fill my schedule with a million things to see and do. To just be in the moment, enjoy the silence, reconnect with myself and relax.

It was only meant to be a 6 week trip.

It started with a week in Ubud immersing myself in the culture and spirituality to prepare myself mentally and physically for my yoga teacher training.  I attended varying classes and workshops at the Yoga Barn and Radiantly Alive. I am so glad I chose to do this as I managed to start shutting down the emotional and mental connection to my ties at home and started the journey inwards. I also set myself a challenge to not eat any meat or drink any alcohol in the lead up and during the training. By the time I caught the boat to Gili Meno I was completely ready to let my guard down and give myself completely to whatever I might experience during the training.

I spent 3 weeks on Gili Meno living and breathing yoga. This was the most transformational and amazing experience I have ever had and I shared it with 18 other amazing human beings who have become like a family to me. I will write more about the teacher training one day as I don’t believe I have digested everything fully and want to write about it more once I have had longer to reflect on it. Basically along with learning the asanas, pranayama, meditation and other limbs of yoga I spent a lot of time cleaning and clearing the rubbish I store inside. It was hard, and sometimes it broke me but the calm and peace I felt on the other side was nothing short of magical.

Halfway through the teacher training I called my husband in tears, he had to change my ticket and extend my trip. I NEVER, ever wanted to come home (I have the tendency to be slightly dramatic)… but in the interim I was definitely seeing out the full 60 day visa and staying in Indonesia. I was in no way ready to come home and go back to my old life. I needed more time on this journey, to continue working on myself and being free from the restraints and the commitments at home. Luckily I quit my job to come here so apart from my husband and dog, I was free to do as my heart desired.

Following my Gili adventure my husband and I reunited in Seminyak. It was amazing to see him after almost a month apart. We met 15 years ago and have been together for the majority of that time, minus a couple of brief interludes. I married him 2 1/2 years ago (in Bali) and this was definitely the longest time we had spent apart for years. I couldn’t wait to share everything I had learned and experienced while I was away. There were so many times that I wished he had been there too because the knowledge I learned about life was indescribable and I wanted him to have shared it with me.

The night we returned to Bali a few girls from the course and I hit the cocktail bars in Seminyak, my first drink in months. My new family got to meet my old family, and it was a really special night. My husband and I then moved to staying in a little Air BnB villa on the outskirts of Ubud. We checked out the Bali Spirit Festival and did lots of exploring on the scooter.  We scootered the mountains of Ubud, the streets, the dirt tracks… Sanur to Canggu, every day a different ride to somewhere. Then we decided to move to Canggu to see out the rest of the trip. At home, we have lived with other people for the majority of the past 2 1/2 years so it has been nice to spend time alone together, and enjoy each others company again.

Since being in Canggu we have been checking out rentals as we are seriously considering moving over here. It has been a struggle at home over the past couple of years. A lot of our closest friends have been successfully having families and settling into that lifestyle. Their happiness and joy is wonderful to see and their kids are beautiful. However, it’s hard to be around that at the moment. I want a family more than words, its all I ever have known I have wanted. I had a tumultuous childhood and I used to dream of the day that I would have a happy, safe and secure family of my own. I remember looking at my husband when I was only 18 and saying, ‘that boy will one day be the father of my children’.

That being said, IVF seems to be our only option and I found the whole process too heartbreaking, challenging and expensive. It takes a strength that I am not sure I have, not again, definitely not yet. Plus I would prefer to look back on my 30s and say that I explored the world, challenged myself with positive experiences and outcomes, honoured myself and my feelings, and most of all enjoyed life. You only get one life and I don’t believe my life was meant to be spent in hospitals, having needles, not having sex with my husband, being in constantly obsessed with what I am putting in my body, fighting and crying, feeling lost, alone, and miserable.

No, that is not the life for me. I am a happy positive person. I enjoy laughter, sunshine, salt water and loving people completely without resentment. So its time to be happy right now, always focusing on the moment and the circumstances that I find myself in. Not wishing my life away on the one dream that can’t be my reality, right now.

Deep down I desperately hope that through following my dreams and desires that my ultimate one will come into fruition. If it doesn’t, I hope that these experiences teach me enough to realise that I can be happy and complete without my own children.

Until then, maybe its time to explore new things, make myself a new reality that involves sunshine, yoga, salt water and loving my husband completely.

Onward bound xo

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About Onward Bound

After a couple of years of dealing with anxiety and infertility; I quit my job and headed overseas to do my yoga teacher training and travel. Here is my place to share my experiences about life, love, yoga, travel, food & everything else in between. This is my pursuit of happiness. I hope you enjoy xo
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